Anonymous

So This is My Manifesto

I have been privy to an epiphany of sorts. A long, hard, sober look at myself. Granted, I did not do this until I had painted myself into a corner, but better late than …

I have been screwed up since I was a kid. My Dad died a couple months before my seventh birthday. He and my mother was divorced at the time and he wasn’t very “hands-on”, but I had him built up in my mind to mythological proportions as only a boy that age could. That life event left me devastated for years and what followed wasn’t much better. Everyone has stories of how they were unfairly treated, even abused as a kid so I will not bore you with the details. Let’s just say it was determined by professionals that I was in clinical depression at age seven and my environment never gave any reason to come out of it. Physically underdeveloped, socially awkward, and no self-esteem, kids being kids, my schoolmates picked up on this and did not make it any better. So, not one of the cool kids, not able to fit into a clique, I made up for by antagonizing people making sure that for all their “coolness” they were aware of their flaws – bad habit. At home my self-esteem, my spirit, was being broken down everyday.

I have been weak-willed, impulsive, selfish, and insolent through most of my adult life, I have had some unselfish moments and habits I use to justify most of my aberrant behavior. I have taken a lot for granted. Alcohol has been a big part of my life. I describe it as borderline alcoholism. I mainly used it as a crutch to escape something, everything, and to justify a lot of bad behavior. I could stop drinking for months, on one occasion two years. No ill effects other than having to live with myself, but I would always go back – Life is just tough when you are not liking who you are. Not that I am using alcohol as an excuse, it is just a symptom of the problem of “Me”. That “Me” problem has just about destroyed my life. I have been a failure at everything, marriage, careers, parenthood, friendships, finances, and to paint with a broad brush – Life in General. I have no one to blame but Myself. Personality defects and neurosis that could pay for the vacation house of a top shelf psychoanalyst. Yes, I have had some minor accomplishments, but give a month, a year, a decade, I find a way to mess it up – No, Destroy It. And, I Am Tired. Tired of being “Me”. I have breezed through people’s lives just enough to endear myself and then I screw it up and have to leave, or I Just Leave - I Am Tired of Hurting People. Tired of Hurting Myself.

I had to let go of the longest relationship of my life over a year ago. We were codependent. She had issues of her own that was literally killing me. There was no doubt that if I had stayed with her I would have died of an alcohol related incident or had a heart attack from the stress. I ended up with a DUI trying to dull my senses. Even now I’m trying to deal with the repercussions of that failure. My profession doesn’t do well with an arrest record. I’ve burned through two retirement plans prematurely trying to settle in somewhere, make a life for myself and my significant other at the time. But, for all my endeavors to “settle down” whether my fault, some else’s fault, or no one’s fault it has failed – mostly My Fault.

My life is littered with poor choices fueled by fear, false-pride, and alcohol, those not necessarily in the order of significance. I could never leave things be and just be. I tried to be my own God and failed miserably. My mental and physical health is failing too. I find myself into the sixth decade of my life (I’m 51) trying to figure out how to piece it back together. Trying to figure out how I’m not going to die lonely, destitute, and miserable. I’ve stopped drinking, trying to make communion with a higher power (God), and trying to do the next right thing. I’m trying to be optimistic, hard for someone of my nature. The Future is Uncertain, and the Situation looks Grim.

Received: October 25, 2017